Thursday, September 10, 2009

Something About Seizing the Day

If you had a chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it? And if you did, would you be big enough to stand it?

Regret was not in my vocabulary. I've lived by the credo that if you did something, you suck it up. You don't regret doing it and you live to it, learn from it, just plainly suck it. I've made a lot of mistakes back then, things I never imagined I would do ... thing people I love and care about never imagined me to do. No matter how they scold me, cried about it and present me the facts, no way I'm going to say sorry for me doing it. Sorry because I hurt some people but not sorry that I ever did it. I did it because it was a choice of mine. I did it because at that moment I thought it was right. If it wasn't, then screw me; and then I'll learn from it. I knew that mistakes made me a better person. I knew I wasn't born perfect. By the age of 12 I knew that I was bound to make mistakes. The difference between me and other people is that I don't regret it. I don't like regret. It's something that slowly kills you as if the drama I have isn't enough.

I thought regret only existed in the form of 'what you did wrong' because that was how it seemed for the past years of my life - always what I did that wasn't right, always what I decided that was wrong. That's the kind of thing I could live with.

But I never thought that there was a second kind of regret - the kind in which you didn't do. Something you've missed out. And now I know I'm not made out for this kind of regret - those days when you missed the signs or simply chose to ignore it; those moments when you didn't listen to the damned poets who urged us to 'seize the day.' How the hell could you seize a day, anyway? I guess the saddest words are those of could have beens, would have beens, should have beens. The could have been kisses and the would have been I loves you and should have been alone moments.

I honestly don't know what to do with regrets like these. Regrets like these are things you can't just suck up and say you've learned - truth is, you've learned nothing because you didn't do anything in the first place. And what do you do when it hits you in the face and kicks you in the gut - that one day, one time you learned that you should have, could have and would have. I don't know. Seriously. How do you pick yourself up? How do you hold yourself up? Life's unfair? I know. I know that since what ... since I've been set up or maybe even before that.

Is it time to 'seize the day,' say what you mean and finally get over it? Is there really such a thing as too late? Or do we hold onto the adage that comforts us and say 'better late than never.' Can we really justify what we failed to do, what we should have done back then to a matter of just being late?

I don't know.

All I know is despite how it hurts to regret, I am glad to have known and I am glad to hold on to the better late than never adage. God has plans, right? And I trust that. Whatever it is that was too late or too soon. Whatever it is that seems impossible. There are reasons why we did things before and that is to learn. If that's the case, then maybe there are reasons why we didn't do things before and to what purpose - I'm sorry, I don't know. But there is a purpose and there is a reason and whatever it is, I believe, is worth it and even more precious.

And about seizing the day? I guess we can't really seize the day and know it at the same time. Sometimes you realize it way, way after time; way too late and that's when we realize we should have seized it. Few people are granted these days and I am one of them - to have realized and to have known. That day back then, I should have seized it. I should have taken it. I didn't for many reasons.

I may not be able to claim the prize now or maybe not ever. I wish I could but I can't. And that's the regret it that but it's better than not knowing at all. The future is vague and feelings are complex. You'll never know is second chances hit and if it does ... I'm going to seize it.

If you had a chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it? And if you did, would you be big enough to stand it?

Yes, I will take it and I would be big enough to stand it.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If sm then you know you can go your whole life collecting datys, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you go it back?

Then, I'll treasure it forver. And would seize it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Freak Out Day!

I promised a friend of mine not to freak out when we separated ways after the exam. Well, sleeping when I got home helped a lot but now that I'm awake, it's a hard UFC fight against freak out. I won't tap out to submission. Fight! Fight!

So, this was how my day was (I'm telling coz I'm trying not to freak out):

Woke up in the morning before my alarm clock (super!) and it felt like I was pregnant - the nausea was bad and it felt like I was going to throw up my stomach. On the other hand it also felt like I mistakenly took laxatives for my evening vitamins coz it felt like I was going to poop down my intestines. There goes my whole gastric system.

And yes, I think I'm starting to freak out since I just described waking up in one paragraph. Move on madz.

And can you really call it a prayer when you just say over and over and over again like a broken record, "Oh, Lord, please help me." And yes, nothing else.

Ate half a huge a burger which when I saw and smelled seemed tantalizing that I had to push it hard down to my stomach and concentrated on not throwing it up.

Did my last final panic checking emails for perhaps tips or any letters that says, "Test canceled due to heavy rains." Then again, I was betrayed. But lo, electricity was not wasted when I panic buzzed kevin knowing that he will be there on the other end and good enough he replied. Now, I felt better.

Wished luck my by kuya mic whose Starex wouldn't start and had my car blocked in the driveway. If the car didn't start in 5 min, I will be on whapakers fighter mode. Good thing it did and saved me energy for my possible kung fu martial arts retaliation.

Finally drove through the rainy, floody roads to Makati. Travel time was two hours and no amount of sleep deprivation and weather perfection could make me sleep. Tw hours of drive and I just listened to the radio and looked at the sad, sad sky. When I got to Makati, I had to shake off my emotera mode.

7:30 am. 1 hour ealier than scheduled time. As usual. Went to the guard who wouldn't let me enter at 8:30. Jacq was salvation for we arrived at the same time. Starbucks was also salvation as we hang out there for an hour. No coffee. No time to feel nervous. No milk. No time to excuse myself and say to the proctor, "Miss, can I poo?" A healthy dose of belgian waffle for Jacq and Mango Passion fruit drink for me with a hearty chat and positive thinking gave us the boost. It also helped to recieve texts from friends who prayed for me and wished me luck.

Finally 8:30 and the guard was finally kind enough to let us in. Met with 4 others who took the exam. Chatted about our reviews and laughed about the absurdity of the situation - 70 items, 4 parts, 80% each? Isn't that a bit too much?

We were then led to our respectful rooms with an IDP timer I secretly wished I could pocket in for my room. Presented with our test papers, I prayed hard and finally started answering. I read and answered the first 4 questions and resorted to removing my jacket. First five questions rendered me perspired all over!

I will skip the part where I answered for 1 hour and 30 min, breathing in and out. What is bugtong hininga. The raindrops distracted me wishing every drop had an answer. Apparently, that was impossible. The minutes tracked on and the test time was finally over and all I could do was nervously laugh but secretly wanting to cry, shout and freak out.

Jacq and I with Kuya Kryss decided to unwind in Glorietta yet the heavy rains seemed to oppose. What the heck, we grabbed our umbrellas, crossed the streets and boom ... taxi sped and splashed all over us. If I was less depressed, I would have gone whapakers fighter mode - go in the middle of the streets, grab my bazooka and shoot the the $&%@$# taxi from afar. Anyway, I was wet and my denim didn't seem stone washed - just rain washed for that matter. It felt I could be a model of 'Splash Island.'
Got in the mall and ate at Kenny Rogers. Hunger mode so we ordered a big meal which wasn't enough to soothe our depression. A text message from Kim got me happy - she passed gross anatomy! Yey to her! She told me that God will grant me the same and I feverently hoped so.

Pants still wet so we decided to go a round about in Cinderella. Apparently, I rather walk in wet jeans than to spend 1300k for another. So we passed by Powerbooks Live - allleellluuyyaaa. Spent time with Jacq and Kuya Kryss sifting through books which will help fight off the freak out mode. Bought For One More Day by Mitch Albom and got a free book thanks to Jacq.

Finally, it was time to go home. The weather was not so kind and we were worrying about the floods. When I got home, it was a few conversation with mom and dad and I got into bed and lapsed to unconsciousness.

And now that my exam has ended, I will wait for the exam results with my friends and I have resorted myself to work, blogging, chatting, reading and DVD marathons.

I'm trying hard not to freak out. Check your Faith - Jacq said so I keep on what little faith I have that she revived. And I have faith in my friends and family who prayed for me, went to church for me, rendered novenas for me. The best is truly yet to come. I don't know about the results. Fact is I had a hard time and I'm not feeling that confident. But words of encouragement of friends and families helped a lot. And I made a promise to Jacq not to freak out or else ...

I just want to take it blow by blow and be swept away with the emotions and be firm with my belief in Christ that HE will provide and His plans are perfect no matter what.

I still thank God. I had a hard time but if he wasn't by my side I would have the hardest time. Thank you God and thank you friends and thank you family.

And now I have tissues over my desk. I'm on sipon mode thanks to that 4^$%@# taxi. But whatever. He won't ruin my day!

Sipon mode.

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Bad, and the Bad, Still the Bad ... and then the GOOD

The bad is when you had an unexpected 12 hour shift a month before one of the biggest exams I have to take where I have no idea why the gravid women are giving birth so early, all at the same day, all at the same time. And yes, so lucky that we didn't exchange babies those times.

The bad is when I fall asleep as soon as I get home after a tiring, toxic, no-sleep, no-eat, no-pee duty when I promised myself the morning before to study two chapters at the very least. Now, I guess that just got thrown right out.

The bad is when my mom keeps breathing down my neck about how I should pass that exam and that my dad keeps telling on a minute-basis, "Review. Review." As if I didn't know that and as if the word review hasn't severed my brain out for months now.

The bad is when for a week now, all my mouth could say is ... "Freak out." And one time a friend mo mine had this conversation.

Xie: Madz, focus.
Madz: Yes, Xie. I'm focused.
Xie: Yun naman ...
Madz: I'm focused on freaking out! @_@

And I guess that litany would have to end tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is doomsday. Armageddon. End of the world. Freak out day. Whatever.

And finally the bad will end.

Actually the good came weeks before when me and Jacq, my new found friend and new found faith exchanged messages about how our venue letters were not arriving. Small talks as such came to building an edifice of friendship, of love talks and of faith discussions.

It's been a while since I was lost and in the dark since that fateful moment of effed up wrong decisions and mistakes. There came a time when my faith was questionable and I could hear Jesus saying, "My child, how weak is your faith." Or worst ... I don't hear him at all which freaked me out (refer above for freak out). I cry at times for no reasons. Depression was a constant company. It felt no one understood and no one could comfort me.

But Lo, the Lord never left me and he gave me salvation in a person of a friend whose faith is huge and whose trust in the Lord is enormous. And then my faith was revived slowly, surely and definitely. Slowly though but who is rushing anyway. The Lord spoke to me in a tongue of a friend who revives my faith little by little. And I cant help but think how meant to be this is and how thankful I am for this wonderful blessing.

It may have been the bad but today is good and the best? It's still yet to come.

Faith Mode. Amen.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

For the Love Of

For the Love Of
By: Madz Sta. Cruz

In reply to Kim’s blog, ‘For the Want Of’
This is for everyone who feels the same way.

I’m missing a lot of things since the era of post grad began.

Work has been dragging and sometimes looking out for patients has been meager (and I guess that’s what work burn out means). But in this I have found a family of many whom deeply I respect and look up to. I knew beforehand that the real world is ruthless and unforgiving, and the hellish bosses and the toxicity and the gossips suck out the faith in me. But despite all those, I have come to appreciate every step of the way for it made me a better, wiser perhaps more cracked-up but nevertheless real person.

I do miss my college days where pop quizzes seem better and where I do believe met some of the best people in the world. I never get tired when Andz, Allyl, Cookie and Kim procrastinate and I have to give my short but who-knows-if-its-effective

pep talk … “Guys, focus!” And I know that line seems old and that adage got thrown right out the window. Even I, for that matter, am focused … focused on freaking out. Who can even focus in the world with the deafening traffic or the blinding corruption or the senseless over-prized shoes? So now, I tell you my dear barkada not to get focused but to BELIEVE. Yes, believe that we can make it; that we can achieve all those dreams we have talked about, ranted about and squealed about back in college (yes, even Andz’s mansion with rollercoaster at the backyard and no, not about marrying Johnny Depp. That’s really on our wildest dreams).

I do miss Les Femmes as well, the company of it and the buzz buzz and brouhahas over the room but now, especially Kim and Andz our other med friends are now hearing new brouhahas in their own rooms at their own med schools. I miss our nearness at school where we see each other every minute of the day and spend time like there’s no tomorrow. I miss our ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations (and speaking of, it’s cookie’s birthday) with ‘themes.’ And when Christmas comes, I will surely remember how we have our monita (no monitor coz we’re all girls) with everyday themes. And I will miss our much celebrated Christmas parties and pretend birthdays for free something from the restaurant. In time, we’ll celebrate these moments with different people, at different places or institutions or countries as well (ugh), with different themes and parties. And at the hubbubs of it, I will fall silent one moment, smile and rethink how it would have been if I were with my Tipol friends.

I miss the Malate traffics, the food trips at Big Momma’s, the E-Jim rush print outs, the long lines at Manong’s Xerox. I miss the early breakfast of junk food and chocolates with Andz. I miss the pseudo cramming studies we do before exams (what we really do is just chat and I would have to say, GUYS FOCUS!).

But fact is fact that we are at different world right now but fact is fact that despite that, we are still together by heart; invisible from time to time because of the demands of our chosen paths but still the prayers stormed to heavens are from us and every bit of Burgoos, TGIF, Big Momma’s, Kwek Kwek, Siomai, boots, hip hop abs CD, Meiji Dark Chocolate Bars, V-Cut, McDonalds, cameras, textbooks, blush-ons, eyeliners and whatever memories we did share back then bring back nostalgia over and over again.

There would come a time that others will lean on us and see us our salvation. It is uncomfortable and it is scary. We'll miss moments that just the five of us are each others salvation and shock absorber. But that time has passed and I guess it's it a new era to become shock absorbers for others. These moments teach us how to be strong. It may be scary as hell but it is an honor and once you've gone through, you'll see how precious it is. Anyhow, we friends could still lean on to each other anytime.

For now, the best we have are YM chat moments which may be rare but truly treasured. The best we have are rare moments to see each other. The best we have are our prayers for each other. The best we have are our love to each other which have crossed bridges and blazed trails. The best we have are what we have now – the paths we have decided to take and the encouragement of each other to finish the race. Right now we may have chosen to live different worlds and be with different people but I guess in life that’s inevitable. What matters is that we look back and look forward at the same time.

I am missing.
I am loving.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rest in Peace

Michael Jackson, the sensational child star who rose for years with stage breaking dance moves and sold over 26 million copies of his Thriller album; and whose scandals left him to fall from his throne, has already passed away. MJ was pronounced dead in UCLA medical center (I could just imagine if I'm one of the ER nurses there at that time, damn!).

Sympathetic Mode to his family.
Inggit Mode to UCLA ER Nurses.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Count Thy Blessings

I had a short chat with my best friend Vica. Though we're miles away, we never fail to connect all thanks to Skype (yup, that's one blessing I should count : Thank heavens for the Skype inventor. Sheer genius). She always hear first hand about my life's miseries and how 'bipolar' I could get. And I am grateful as well that she never complains (at least if she does, she does it internally "^&*^@!%@! Madz" or something like that. And yes, that's also a blessing I count).

Vica Bes knows. As in really knows. She could listen to me for hours just crying or just shreiking how life could be so unfair. Reality is, life does suck and don't tell me sometimes ... it sucks ... all the time. My life has been on the rocks these days (as if there's anything new) and it doesn't help that I whapacked someone at work (cheers to me), and the fact that my mom is 'the M stage' (if you know what I mean). It also doesn't help when dad sides mom and no one else takes my side. Me against the world. Something pathetic like that.

But earlier this morning, Vica skyped me and we talked seriously about life and she told me one by one the blessings I have comparing it to those who wish to be on my shoes. She mentioned a hefty list of stuffs that I should appreciate. She told me that I may have problems but who doesnt anyways. Then we had a nice time peaking into the future and talking about us being successful and 'superlative' rich and yes, that was fun too.

To make things short, Vica just slapped me awake. At this point, she gave me a boost. I was feeling really down and maybe I still am but I guess I do have lots to think about, a lot to be thankful for. Somehow I get what my friends (Kim and the others) keep telling me before. Count your blessings. Count your blessings. And I would always reason out ... "I'M NOT GOOD IN MATH!"

Apparently, when you do count your blessings? It doesn't really need any special math skills. Just simple addition and multiplication. I am, anyway, smarter than a 5th grader (I think).


Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Little Prayer of Patience

The Prayer of Patience by Rissa Singson-Kawpeng

Lord today I ask you to teach me to be patient...
Help me realize that there is purpose in waiting.
It is not a waste of time. You are preparing me for what it is to come.
And I believe your plans are beautiful and beyond what I can dream of or imagine.
So, mould and make me into a woman who is pleasing in your sight and in men's.
And when the time is right, send me the man who will be my partner for life.


*sigh* exactly what i need because sometimes I feel like the walls close in. Patience is a virtue? Yes, it is. But I guess it's something learned and developed through time.